Thursday, January 8, 2009


I am feeling kind of envious of all the pregnant girls right now.

The first thing Coco said to me tonight is Heather's baby is in the paper and Maggie's mom is pregnant and Mrs. Harp is pregnant. I want you to have a baby!

Breaks my heart that she wants a sibling so badly and I can't give her one. I really don't know that I would want to if I could. I love all the children in my life but to think about doing the baby thing now with Coco being 8 and me being 40 just scares me.

She keeps asking me and her Daddy to talk about adoption. I tried to tell her it isn't as simple as saying we are going to adopt and doing it. My cousins have had their hearts broken 2 times because DHS didn't do their job and a mother backed out. My SIL has had her heart broken several times due to similar situations, when she started fostering she got Jack at 4 months and he was almost 3 before the adoption was finalized.

I don't know that I have the heart to go through that or to put Coco through it. She assures me that it would be ok, even if a child was only here for awhile. I tried explaining that a new child in our home would take time away from her, she doesn't care if she doesn't get attention. We could have different bed times she says and she could stay up later to have time with us. Oh the girl has a answer for everything.

I told her that we would think, talk and pray about it. She said she would give us 2009 to think about it and wouldn't ask but every couple of months.

I think back over the past 8 years and wonder did I do everything I could to make it happen? Did I give in to soon to having a hysterectomy? Should we have tried other methods? Too late now to question what could have been. All I can do is pray for God's guidance and know that he will guide us in the direction we should go and give us the words to comfort Coco in her desire for a brother or sister!

If you are pregnant and reading this I am so proud for you to be embarking on motherhood! I wouldn't trade my Coco for anything in this world! The day she was born is the day I really understood what true love was. I didn't know I could love something so much and so deeply!



4shepherds said...

Pam what a touching post. We will be praying for you and whatever God leads you to do. You know that your family is always here for you!! We love you!

Jenna said...

Coco sounds like a truly wonderful, amazing and caring person. You should be so proud of her! I am praying for your family as your consider God's direction for you!